Warning...This isn't an update! This is being added for Journal Purposes, Read at Own Risk!
Holy Hanna... I feel like I am truly ready to get off the train. The past few months have been, for a lack of a better word lonely. I know that this might seem weird since I have four children and a husband, but it truly has felt that way for me. I believe that having children with special needs and behaviors you can often be marked as a black sheep. People don't know what to do or say when it comes to your children and the diagnosis/treatments that they have to go through. They also don't want their children to be treated badly (Alex has a hard time with people in his space or playing with his things) or to mimic the behaviors my children. Alex has brought toys to primary to try and make it through and a mom ended up having to take her son home because he was so upset that Alex had toys and he didn't get any. I was in a store (Costco) with my kids and we were checking out. Alex was in the back of the cart, Amelia was in the front of the cart, Addison and Adam were with me. There were two men helping us and the person bagging our items said while looking at Alex "I'm scared to go over there.", the checker then followed up with saying, "So, how long does that last?" while gesturing his head towards Alex. I often get dirty looks from people in stores and I am sure comments are made. You would hope that when you are in church and around people that know you that the feelings of being judged and poor thoughts wouldn't be felt, but sometimes they just are. Even more crazy is having to make other people feel better or okay about your children when in reality there really isn't anyone comforting you! People often make comments about life being ruff or my little ones not being able to participate in something...lots of things really and it becomes my job to become the comforter and allow them to know that all is well and things will be okay. Sometimes I wish that I had that person that would just let me spill my guts, not judge me and tell me everything is going to work out. I think most people like that charge though!
We spend so much time going to and from doctor appointments and dealing with services and rehabilitation that attending mommy groups or play dates rarely happen. Last week is a great example...We had appointment everyday and they weren't all on the books. We were supposed to see a movie on Friday, but Alex's reaction to his shots prevented us from attending that as well. We have missed the first three movies...hopefully we will get there this week! As if this wasn't enough we had a baptism to attend on Saturday and because Alex had a reaction to his shots we were asked not to attend just in case it was contagious. I understand once again, but it becomes very painful for me.
Being avoided is becoming a new part of life as well. You know I do get it though. Why would people want to be around all the drama? I think it recirculates back to the not knowing what to do or say thing as well. I feel that my own family members feel this way so why wouldn't adequateness or friends.
Speaking of drama...today was a day full of the stuff. Addison had a very hard night last night and today started off just as rough. Alex came home from school and after the kids had lunch they went swimming. After swimming I was upstairs and heard Adam talking to Addison about stitches and cuts. As I tuned in more closely I realized that Addison was playing around with a knife. I came down stairs and she was trying to hide behind the couch. I sent her to her room and the boys and I began to clean the toy room. Addison spends a lot of time in her bed room and usually she falls asleep. Today on the other hand she walked out our front door with out making a sound. I had an unusual knock mid day on the door and when I answered it a white SUV was in front of my home with another neighbor shading at my door with Addison by her side. Addison had run away and was on the main road. So many emotions run through your head at the moment someone is returning your child you didn't know was missing. I will admit it has happened to me before. Alex is a runner as you know and clever at that. Today however it was Addison and I was embarrassed, scared, mad and frustrated. I had Addison return to her room (the safest place for her at that moment) and I sat on the couch and sobbed. I don't think Adam knew what to do about Mommy crying. About ten minutes later there was another knock on the door. My heart sank and my mind raced as I walked to the door, police...social services...anything is possible right! My neighbor had returned to check in and see how everything was. After thanking her again and being embarrassed again more tears came. Addison did fall asleep this time and it was now time to deal with the rest of the afternoon. Realistically if this would have been the only event of today I would have been okay! Amelia had a very hard day too though and her nap was a true fight of wills. She finally gave up though and we continued to clean the toy room. 3:30 rolled around and Ms. Irene came to do rehabilitation with Alex. He was playing Legos Dadam and I were upstairs talking with Addison. We asked her why she ran away and her response was that I am always mean to her. I asked her if I am mean to her because I do something wrong or if she did. She gave the right answer and we continued our conversation. I cried some more, we hugged it out and tried to continue with our day. I can only hope that the quote in the collage above is true and both Addison and I will grow in our compassion for one another. Irene headed home for the day and I began to make dinner. Alex was going through detox or pent up energy and the other little ones were not ban to the playroom anymore so things were loud. We ate dinner and the kids and Dadam hit the pool. I started the laundry folding party and the others joined me for the put away process before bed. 10:15 p.m. rolled around and Addison is still up trying to come down stairs for anything she can possibly think of! So as you can see I totally get wanting to avoid the drama!!
Wondering why my feet are in the picture above? I am having the amazing pleasure of blisters all over my feet. Any time I wear shoes of any sort my feet get blisters, even flip flops. The doctors say it is eczema. Amelia stepped on my foot yesterday and tears came to my eyes along with shocking pain in my foot. As if blisters on my feet weren't enough my skin is starting to separate from underneath my fingernails. I am telling you...fun times :). I guess it just goes along with the loneliness I am feeling a little bit like a leper in life so why not have the scares to prove it!
I wish that I could say that these are my only worries or stresses that I have in my life right now, but that is not the case. I haven't figured out the typed invisible ink though and this isn't an outlet for my other stresses. I am pretty sure the above stuff should have stayed within my little brain as well, but I have truly felt like I was going to explode, and I hope that as my kids read this as adults they know that being a parent is hard, but the rewards are so worth it. Just like anything in life worth having, you have to work for it to appreciate what you have. I know that I am blessed and grateful for my blessings and I am most positive that this to shall pass!
.
No comments:
Post a Comment