I love my family! I am very grateful for the blessing my Heavenly Fathers bestows upon me each and everyday. Growing up I wished for a family and to be a Mom. Here I am and I find myself struggling. Motherhood...you give up everything you were to become everything your children need you to be and they hate you for it and want a new family! Go figure :) Addison and I have been visiting doctors since she was 5 months old. Last week we had 5 visits in one week. She has started waking up and asking "Am I going to the hospital today?" That means I am the one that takes her to the doctor, I hold her down for medical exams and procedures, I hold her down for blood draws and I make her take her medication. I was at the doctors office last week receiving another diagnosis and was told that a lot of her treatment will be behavior modification. I will need to be stricter, more structured and her diet will pretty much remove every joy from eating (in my opinion). Can I really be stricter or more structured? A lot of people in my family and in the community think I am already to much of these things. I thought to myself she is really going to hate me. I am a Mom though right, I will do these things as ordered because first and foremost I love her. She is my daughter and I want her to be the best she can be. I guess you have to sacrifice your feelings suck it up and stick to your guns. She will appreciate everything when she is older...lets hope!
My oldest son came home from school a few days ago and started crying. I asked him why he was crying and he proclaimed "I want another family, not this one." He is six in June, just six. I think we often question ourselves as women, wives, and parents. There is nothing worse than having one of your children wish you weren't their Mom. I held my tears back and asked why, he replied "You spank me when I makes messes." I wish that I would have just started crying because his reply killed me even more. My thoughts from the previous week with Addison are really coming true. They hate me. I have thought about it a lot and I can't even remember the last time that was his punishment...
Yesterday I took my two smallest children to have their second round of tube and to have their adenoids removed. Both threw up on me by the end of the day. Today I am cleaning up watery poop from antibiotics. I just have to say, you really have to love someone to constantly be cleaning up these types of messes. Once again today I am forcing medications down them and the only way they feel they can rebel is to not take a nap!! I wish that they could understand that taking naps are needed for me to survive the afternoon... Just as I have gotten them to sit at the table and have a snack the phone rings, a nice woman on the other end of the line said "Mrs. Berniger today was early release". I looked at the clock and it was 1:14 in the afternoon and I forgot to pick up my son from school. I rushed to the school and he was crying in the office. AHHHHHHHH
All that I can really say is that I am trying. I know that I am not always the nicest or best mom, but I am trying. I love my little ones. I love them so much and I can finally grasp why it is that we are here on this earth. My children inspire me, they make me want to be better. Being a Mom makes me very feel very guilty for by behavior towards my Mom. I know that she was the best she could be. Why is it that I couldn't really grasp all the things she sacrificed for me. Why is it that we blame rather than step back and thank. I am learning that some of the things we do as parents isn't because we want to we are following doctors and other people that are working to help our children. We are doing them because we have to.We just get the emotions that follow. I am learning everyday. I am guessing that by the time I feel that I am starting to get things right that they will be moving out.
A Little Bit of Heaven, I Mean Paris, In Arizona!
14 years ago
4 comments:
Oh girl....I feel for you. Lately I have spoken with MANY of my friends and so many of them going through so many different trials...and having a really hard time. Many of us going into depression for some reason. I think as long as you are doing what you can to survive, that is ok. Your daughter's health is more important than her loving you do death, right now. She will see that later. Like you said, we realize and are grateful to our moms later in life, as will your daughter be. We all don't feel like the best mom, but really who are we comparing ourselves to....because as far as I know....everyone LOSES it on their kids sometimes, but we love them at other times. It all balances out. We as mothers feel lots of guilt...and his name is Satan. Don't let it get you down, we can overcome. It sounds like life is hard right now with all the health issues, but Heavenly Father knows, for some reason, that you can handle it.....so keep doing it. I think you're great, and I wish I lived closer to you. :)
If once in a while our kids think we are "the worst mom ever" or "the meanest mom ever" then we are doing our job. Being mom doesn't mean we give them everything they want, just everything they need! You're doing great....oh and whoever invented early out days wants us moms to look bad every once in a while. The only thing that saves me is that my kids walk home (a block and a half away)! Keep up the good work.
You are doing such an amazing job, don't ever feel like you aren't. I couldn't do what you do and still keep a smile on my face! It is funny how they think we are so horrible at times. Just the other night I was talking to Hayden about going on a mission. He said he wants to go only to Arizona so that he can still live with me. I asked him why and he said he would miss me too much and be so sad. I think this conversation happened not 10 minutes after he was getting in trouble for doing something!
They forget things very quickly...
A girl read this poem in sacrament once and I never forgot it:
To all you Mean Mom's.
Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will
tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you
enough to ask where you were going, with whom,
and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to make you go pay for the
bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I
stole this yesterday and want to pay for it."
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours
while you cleaned your room, a job that should have
taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must
learn that their parents aren't perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm
glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you
will tell them.
Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the
meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids
ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal,
eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a
Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you
can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all
times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She
had to know who our friends were, and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an
hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve
to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We
had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to
cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash
and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie
awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time
we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really
tough!
Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn
when they drove up. They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them. While everyone else could
date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until
we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out on lots of
things other kids experienced. None of us have ever
been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all
her fault.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated,
honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean
parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!
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