I love my family! I am very grateful for the blessing my Heavenly Fathers bestows upon me each and everyday. Growing up I wished for a family and to be a Mom. Here I am and I find myself struggling. Motherhood...you give up everything you were to become everything your children need you to be and they hate you for it and want a new family! Go figure :) Addison and I have been visiting doctors since she was 5 months old. Last week we had 5 visits in one week. She has started waking up and asking "Am I going to the hospital today?" That means I am the one that takes her to the doctor, I hold her down for medical exams and procedures, I hold her down for blood draws and I make her take her medication. I was at the doctors office last week receiving another diagnosis and was told that a lot of her treatment will be behavior modification. I will need to be stricter, more structured and her diet will pretty much remove every joy from eating (in my opinion). Can I really be stricter or more structured? A lot of people in my family and in the community think I am already to much of these things. I thought to myself she is really going to hate me. I am a Mom though right, I will do these things as ordered because first and foremost I love her. She is my daughter and I want her to be the best she can be. I guess you have to sacrifice your feelings suck it up and stick to your guns. She will appreciate everything when she is older...lets hope!
My oldest son came home from school a few days ago and started crying. I asked him why he was crying and he proclaimed "I want another family, not this one." He is six in June, just six. I think we often question ourselves as women, wives, and parents. There is nothing worse than having one of your children wish you weren't their Mom. I held my tears back and asked why, he replied "You spank me when I makes messes." I wish that I would have just started crying because his reply killed me even more. My thoughts from the previous week with Addison are really coming true. They hate me. I have thought about it a lot and I can't even remember the last time that was his punishment...
Yesterday I took my two smallest children to have their second round of tube and to have their adenoids removed. Both threw up on me by the end of the day. Today I am cleaning up watery poop from antibiotics. I just have to say, you really have to love someone to constantly be cleaning up these types of messes. Once again today I am forcing medications down them and the only way they feel they can rebel is to not take a nap!! I wish that they could understand that taking naps are needed for me to survive the afternoon... Just as I have gotten them to sit at the table and have a snack the phone rings, a nice woman on the other end of the line said "Mrs. Berniger today was early release". I looked at the clock and it was 1:14 in the afternoon and I forgot to pick up my son from school. I rushed to the school and he was crying in the office. AHHHHHHHH
All that I can really say is that I am trying. I know that I am not always the nicest or best mom, but I am trying. I love my little ones. I love them so much and I can finally grasp why it is that we are here on this earth. My children inspire me, they make me want to be better. Being a Mom makes me very feel very guilty for by behavior towards my Mom. I know that she was the best she could be. Why is it that I couldn't really grasp all the things she sacrificed for me. Why is it that we blame rather than step back and thank. I am learning that some of the things we do as parents isn't because we want to we are following doctors and other people that are working to help our children. We are doing them because we have to.We just get the emotions that follow. I am learning everyday. I am guessing that by the time I feel that I am starting to get things right that they will be moving out.
